An Angry Rant

He's six years younger to me. Why does he get to do things six years before I could?

I had nothing against having a baby brother. Sure, I wished for a little girl with whom I could play "Barbie" & dress up. But I was cool about him being a boy.

It's a story told again and again, but still, why did i always have to let him win? Did I choose to have a sibling 6 years younger to me?'Isn't he younger to you?' Is that my fault in any way?

It was never okay when my report card showed marks less than 90 %. But when he brings home a mixed bag of Bs and Cs and Ds it's always Okay.

It's alright if he goes to the corner store at night to buy anything he likes. And I should plead with him to 'accompany' me? I'm not scared of the night. Or the 'creatures' of the night.

I've always wanted to go out with my friends, watch movies,eat out go for little trips. And the permission was never granted. And he gets to go and do all that.

In the first post i wrote about my first adventure. About my first bus ride. I realise it is way lame. WAY LAME. Because my baby brother has been there,done that and more ,4 years before i did.

He can leave his plate on the dining table and leave. He needn't put his dirty clothes into the Washing Machine. The idiot gets to choose what he wants to learn and where he wants to go, when i couldnt with all that marks i had.

All because he is a BOY?

Note to self

1. Follow Lejin's DTA

2.No masks. They were only for him and it's over.

3.Think of what u've come through,then u won't feel bad abt anything.

4.Someone LOVES you a lot.YOU.And that's never gonna change.

My Duet with Celine Dion

'And you're heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere in my heart and...my heart will go oooooooooooooooon and oooooooon......How's it Georgetta?'

'nice....but you need to put more...'feel' into it.'

Georgetten's my cousin. My first Photoshop teacher. My music helper.My guinea pig when i buy a new flavour of Tang.My Yellow Rose.

Oops! before i go on being sickly sweet ,let's get back to the story. I was in Class 11 and i was gonna perform for the Charity Day Event at Chaldean Centre.Of course you know what i was going to sing.Georgetten had come home to help me out-give me tips,correct me,make the whole thing sound better and all that.

'Why do u make dat sound? did u bite a chilly?' i asked kuttan(my brother)

I was trying hard to do this thing perfectly,and this idiot was sitting next to me making these stupid sounds.

'Di, i was trying to give the 'feel' sound. Georgetten and amma laughed.

Kuntham. Why can't i get this 'feel' thing? I was trying really a lot to make that come.But the 'feel' never did.

And no one's taking me seriously. Hmph! I'll show them when i actually sing the damn song on the stage.

*****

The hall upstairs in Chaldean Centre is huge. So is the stage. I was wearing my 'Juliet' costume to get the 'feel' which i was missing all day.My mom was sitting with all her 'women's youth' friends from where she could get a perfect view of me. She was already telling them about what i was going to sing.

I walked up the huge stage and i could see people backstage staring at my dress. Ofcourse. This is Thrissur.What is this 'big kutty' doing wearing a 'dress'?

'Next we have Reshma Raju Emmatty singing the 'Titanic song' 'said the compere and I switched on the mic in my hand.There were lots of people by now. I could see Amma clearly.And Georgetten was right down the stage putting the Karaoke CD in for me. I was supposed to give him a nod to let him know that I was ready. And i did.

The intro music started.I tapped my feet to the rhythm, cleared my throat away from the mic, took a deep breath and started singing.

I amazed myself. I was awesome! Take that ,ppl! I could hear the 'feel' in my voice.It was here! And every little slur was perrrrfect. It was like i was singing just like Celine Dion! Wait a minute- am i sounding exactly like her?

Rewind.

Georgettten and I had got two CDs - one with the original track for me to listen to and learn and the other one from Kalyan recordings with the Karaoke .

Play.

Did Georgetten just put in the original Cd???

I tried lowering my sound a bit...to check . And i found my fears were true. Georgetten had put the original song and i was singing along with Celine! no wonder i sound great. What will people think when they find out???

Gulp!

but my gulp never affected the song. Why would Celine stop for me?

From then on, it was a battle between me and Celine. I tried to be louder and still keep in sync so that people wouldnt find out about this mix.

But when the track reached to the 3rd stanza, Celine beat me. I had problems with the high pitched last stanza and when we reached that portion, Celine and i parted ways. She went on smooth and strong ;I cracked. And people knew.

Every one gave sarcastic smiles when i got down the stage. And cold stares and murmurs. I could see that they were all talking about me- how i tried to do something i possibly couldnt. How i tried to 'cheat' the crowd and got red handed...I could see Amma still not believing Rosy aunty's accusitions about me trying to be 'oversmart.'...

Going to school was a relief next morning. Atleast I would get busy with other things than think about the dreadful time last night. It was languge hour. You could just sit around and chat in that hour if you didnt make too much noise.

we were all doing our usual stuff when Antony Varghese came down and sat next to me.

'Did you guys know, i saw an amazing performance last night,' he started.

I was crossing my fingers.

'It was at the Chaldean Centre. Big hall.'

I'm done for it.

'This girl walked on the stage wearing a big gown sort of dress'

well, the rest is history. Every one in school knew about my 'duet with Celine' too. Ever since that incident, i somehow dislike listening to that song.

And for some strange reason, for that year's Ootty trip, Georgetten made me a CD with that particular song in 5 different versions.

Why Timmy wouldn't get you a Bangalore sim

'Um....I don't think i have my liscence with me.'That was me with the usual sheepish smile on my face when i kinda forget or lose things.

My parents didnt seem to be quite amused with that statement of mine.After the wonderful experience of getting a cupboard at Marianville,(described in detail here) we were going back to my cousin Jimmy and Timmy's place .I was supposed to get a new sim for myself so that i won't make my dad poorer than he should be.

After the usual talk on how careless I am, blah,blah blah and repeating it in front of Bobby Vellyappan, Maries Velliamma ,Jimmy and Timmy, a magical solution was found for this apocalyptic problem- get one of my cousins to get a sim for me.And the lucky person was Timmy.

He's my age,a nice sweet person,recently graduated as an engineer and who is ,by my standards, quiet. I've never seen him violent or angry. Ever.His final year exams were approaching and he was supposed to stay indoors ar all hours and learn.Now dear cousin Timmy went out and got me a new sim.

Which resulted in-

7 Am:"Get up! it's 7 already! you have to reach your office by 9:30!'

(I know Amma. I have this thingy called an 'alarm' in my phone which I have set so that I can get up when I want.)

9:15AM:"have you started walking to the office? Is there a lot of traffic? Do you remember the way? are there people walking ?Are you about to reach? Are you sure you are on the right way?"

(No, I'm still thinking if i should stay and reply to your questions or get to the office on the first day before time and create an impression. )

1:00 PM: 'Is it your lunch break?What have you got for lunch?Did you buy a pickle bottle yet?Don't go out of the office,just stay there even if the break is long,Okay?'

(yeah,yeah,right.I'll surely stay put when there's a pani puri ,pink guava and lots of other things beckoning my tastebuds to wash away the hostel food)

5:30PM:'Is it over?No? It will get over soon, right? I mean before it is dark?'

(Sure.The main concern of everybody at Draft FCB+Ulka,Bangalore is to ensure that I reach back at Marian Ville before dark.)

6:30PM:'How much longer would you have to stay there? Tell them that your hostel is strict and won't let you in after 7.'

(Ofcourse.That is exactly what i would do on my first day-ask them to leave me early. )

8:00PM:'Are you back? No? It must be really dark ,right? You sure you are on the right road? There are people on the road ,na?Like, don't walk through deserted alleys, Okay?'

(Fine.Fine! And I can cross the road if you would just stop eating my ears.)

9:00PM'Did you have dinner? What was there?"

(Amma.I.Am.Just.Too.Tired.)

11:00PM:'Sleep early, na? You have to wake up tomorrow at 7! Want me to call you?'

(No.But you are not going to 'Not call' ,are you?)

Since my phone connected me with the rest of the world, i had to fight the urge of flushing it down the toilet. But thankfully the no. of calls per day drastically reduced after i lost my temper once and said i won't pick up if there's more than ONE or a maximum of TWO calls a day.

A couple of days later ,i was happily working away on my comp at the office when the phone rang.

'Hello?'

'Hello.May I speak to Mr Rohit?'

Rohit? Oh Timmy! For a fraction of a second i was lost coz i had forgotten Timmy's real name.

'I'm sorry,he's not available right now.Who is this?'

'This is from Airtel, Ma'am. We are calling for the verification process of this number.This is Mr Rohit's number,right?'

'Yes,Yes.I am his sister.'

'What is your address,Ma'am?

well...Jimmy and Timmy lived at Horamavu....

'Horamavu'

'The complete address please.'

'I....I just moved into Bangalore recently...I dont...'

'Ma'am can you tell me your father's name?'

That was easy.

'Bobby'

'Full name please'

Gulp. What was his full name? I call him Bobby Velliappan.Lemme guess...

'um....Bobby Emmatty?'

'Ma'am, I'm sorry,but we have to cancel the connection to this-'

'No, Bobby J Emmatty!'

'Sorry, Ma'am, we'll have to cancel the connection. Kindly contact the customer care.'

'Bobby James Emmatty?'

'Ma'am I have to hang up now.Please contact the customer care.'

Darn. Why the hell did i pick up. And what a great call that was- claiming to be Rohit Bobby's sister without knowing Bobby's full name? Well done, Resh.

Timmy wasn't picking up his phone, but Jimmy was online then and i explained how my mom would die of heart attack if she wouldnt be able to talk to me.Jimmy said that Timmy should be in some class or learning something. After a while, i got through to Timmy.

The poor chap had to leave his books go to the Airtel customer care and fix things for me when he should have been earnestly learning.

My internship was over and I was enjoying the last weekend at Bangalore with an assortment of friends- Shibu,his junior ,Jo and cousin Nitin.While coming back from Amoeba,I just looked around my camera bag for my phone and I couldnt feel it. No amount of frantic search in/out that place could find it and i sadly realized that my phone has also entered the long list of things I'd lost recently,including 4 umbrellas and one sim.(the stars hadn't revealed yet that one more umbrella would be lost and that i would jump into a swimming pool with the new phone i was going to buy).

The sad news had to be broken to my folks who'd be coming to B'lore the next day.So i called up Amma from Nitin's phone.

'You lost your phone now????What were you thinking?How could you lose your phone???Now how will i get to meet and everything else? Silly Idiot!'

Nitin had to part with his phone for the night so that my mom could sleep peacefully during her busride to Bangalore.

Now dear Timmy, who was supposed to learn for his exams, who was not permitted to wander around with Nitin and me because of the exam, had to take away a few hours of his precious time trying to cancel the number-

'What was the last call made from this number?'

'I don't know...It was with my sister'

'What was the duration of your last call?'

'@#$%%^6^77'

From what i've heard, Timmy lost his cool completely and swore that he would not offer to buy a sim for any living soul on this planet.And though i caused him to lose out on many many hours,he's finally an engineer now :)

Growing up

I am growing up. I never thought that would happen anytime soon but i think i am.May be not in every aspect,may be most people who sort of know me won't concur with me on this. But it's true.

Take the case of Love for example.

Till recently it was something I could easily fall into. Who has not had a crush or a teenage love? The excitement, the passionate feelings, the little secret moments...you just believe that while you are in love with your special person everything is okay. The universe is doing it's job perfectly. Nothing could ever go wrong.

At 16, love can blossom with a few poetic word, long gazes into the eyes , a few blood drops....It's simply hard not to fall in love.

My sweet 16 was years back but I had hardly grown up from that mental state.But now I know things are not always that easy. There's no real black or white in this thing. May be you say you love someone but you actually don't. Or you say you hate someone and adore that person. Maybe you love two people at a time. Maybe you are with one person and think of the other. Maybe you've broken up ,but you really can't stop thinking about that person.May be it's all just lust. May be there's is no such thing as love?

No clue.One thing i know. If two people can love each other easily and passionately if they are not in the '16', It sure is magical. By then you would have become selfish, loving yourself more than anything els eon the planet. If you can still love another human being so selflessly, so easily,Love sure is a magic.

Now, that's a different kind of "magic' I associate with Love now.The earlier magical love implied things like 'true love' s first kiss' which could turn lead to gold.

I have grown up, haven't I?

Sandra

‘Such a cute baby!’

‘She’s got gray eyes….lovely’

‘So fair!’

Every one showered compliments on the new born baby. And yes, she deserved it all. Fairer than all her cousins and sister. A light brown mop on her head unlike the usual jet black. And to top it all, she had beautiful blue grey eyes. A lovely little thing indeed. But as she was being praised and cuddled, standing aloof was Sandra. Her 5 year old big sister.

Sandra was excited about having a baby brother or sister. She was too glad to know it was a baby sister. But when she actually saw the little baby and how others seemed to be paying all their attention to her, Sandra felt alone. She was the youngest little girl of the family till then. She wasn’t exceptionally pretty like her little sister, but she was cute in her own way. Fair, like her mom, nice straight hair, loved to doodle about with paint. She never talked too much. But she was happy in her own quiet way.

*****

Megha grew up from the little bundle in wraps to the cute little toddler. She was curious about anything and everything around her-especially Sandra’s things. If Sandra was reading a book, Megha wanted it. If Sandra was painting, Megha wanted the colours. And since Megha had the wonderful habit of pulling all those things apart, Sandra stopped getting nice new things- ‘Megha would pull it apart’ was the reason always.

*****

Cousin Mariam was goofy. Or so everyone in the family said. The late teen always hung around with guys, threw huge tantrums to get her own way even in front of people-relatives and strangers alike, wore clothes which most of the family never approved of…And she was into music. No, she didn’t play the drums, but the violin. Recently she bought a new violin coz her older one was child sized. Which Sandra was dreaming to use.

‘Your new violin is nice, Mariam.’

‘Thanks Sandra. I love it. You like music too, right? ‘

Sandra nodded.

‘Don’t they teach you instruments at school?’

“No, Mariam. After your batch passed out of school they stopped it.’

‘Oh. That’s bad.’

‘What instrument do you like?’

‘The violin.’

‘You idiot! Take my old violin and learn something! My music class is near your place. Go there.’

‘I’d like to, but mom won’t let me.’

‘Why?’

‘Megha’ll tear anything I own apart.’

‘Oh. I know. I’ve been through the same thing till Ben grew up. What am I saying? That idiot still makes my life a wreck.’

‘Will you talk to my dad and mom?’

Of course, the family goofball talked to Sandra’s parents, but they didn’t take her seriously. After all, they were ‘grown-ups’. They knew how to deal with things. And Sandra was their daughter, wasn’t she?

*****

Megha joined school. Same as Sandra’s. But Megha was not going to be the goody goody like Sandra. Sandra knew she was not allowed to take part in the school performances as they charged you for the costume. She never signed up, though she always wanted to. She never fought with her classmates coz her parents wouldn’t approve of it. She never threw a tantrum to get her favorite food packed in her lunch box.

And Megha was just the opposite. She signed up for every event in class. She was made to stand outside the class everyday either for talking continuously or for beating up other kids in the class. She always made mom pack her favorite food in her tiffin.

And when Megha got away by being the naughty little squirt whom everyone adored, Sandra felt hurt. Was it her fault that she tried to obey her parents? Wasn’t she being good? Then why are they still happy with Megha?

Sandra watched the family soaps with her grand mom. The harsh dialoges and actions struck her. People hitting each other, people leaving their homes, the words, all that

*****

‘Need that’ demanded Megha

‘That’s mine. You’ll destroy It.’said Sandra. She started going red and her voice started cracking already. For she knew where this would lead to. Megha would cry, mom would come and her favorite hairclip would be tattered. And no one cared, did they. They’ll just say it is a little clip. But it was her favorite.

‘Need clip NOW!’ shouted Megha. And then started to wail loudly. Until their mom came.

‘Sandra? Why is Megha crying?’

‘She wants my clip.’

‘So just give it to her! Grand ma is sleeping, can’t you see? She’ll wake her up.’

‘But she’ll break it…’

“Look, I bought you that clip, didn’t i? Just give it to her. She’ll leave it after a while.’

‘I’m going away.’

‘What?’

‘I’m leaving this house where I’m not loved.’

‘Wow. Which serial dialogue is that?’ there was a hint of laughter in mom’s voice.

In the serial, when this was told, everyone was shocked and asked the character not to leave. They loved her. No one loves me here.

It only hurt and enraged Sandra when her mom told her granny, dad and aunts about her talking ‘serial dialogues’. They all laughed.

*****

“Hello? Is this Megha’s mom?’

‘Yes. Who is this?’

“This is Megha’s class teacher. Looks like Megha missed the school van. Can you come over and pick her up?’

“I’ll be there soon. Thank you Miss Elizabeth.’

When Megha and Mom reached back home, Sandra wasn’t there yet. And the calls to the school, her teacher and the school bus driver didn’t help.

“Where’s my baby? I need my girl now. Find her, Joseph……..’ Mom was inconsolable. Everyone was worried. All were out looking for her.

Sandra never knew that her mom loved her as much as she loved Megha. And her mom never knew how much it hurt her when Megha seemed to be getting more attention. Mom knew Sandra wanted to learn the Violin, that she wanted to participate in the school functions…she thought she wouldn’t be able to manage all that as Megha would take up a lot of time…but now she wished she had.

It didn’t matter now anyway. Sandra was lying unconscious on the back seat of an unknown car, off to an unknown destination.

Reshma Emmatty,Cupboard at the end of the hall, Marian Ville

‘ee ucha nerathu vannu ingane bell adikkunnathu sheriyano? Ningalkku ithu veruthey kuthiyal mathi . Hmph!’ (Translation: Do you think it's okay to come in and ring the door bell at noon ,like this? All you think is of your need. Hmph!)

A short grumpy looking lady in a white and blue print saree came out of the door leading into the hostel corridor. Me, Dad, Mom, Kuttan and Dad’s friend Unnis was taken aback.

We were in Bangalore, hostel hunting for my summer internship there. The hostel Unnis uncle had searched was called Brigittine hostel, where the lights go out at 10, and which had 4 seater rooms. And u had 2 be in by 7 coz supper is at 7:30. And if u are late u have to tell the nuns here why. And where. And with whom. And all the other answers too.

No way I was gonna stay there. So I went to Brigittine’s and found more reasons for not staying there.

‘Appa, there’s no plug point there.’

‘So?’

‘So? How do I do work if I have to use my laptop? How do I charge my mobile?’

Unnis uncle: ‘it’s just for six weeks, child, don’t worry.’

Yeah. And I’m gonna be living here. I had lots of things to do here and that needed a longer curfew. For starters, I’d told Jo that we’d go to pubs and stuff so 7 pm and work wouldn’t work.

So after showing me the room, Sr Francesca asked my parents if I would be moving in right then.

‘Yes Sister. Rajetta, pay the fees.’ That was mom.

My face was ….i dunno, the nun herself knew something was wrong and asked me

‘I think you don’t like it here. Try Marian Ville. It’s nearby. In museum road’

And so we came to Marian Ville and rang the bell. And out came the lady in the permanent grumpy mood.

She walked pompously to the office room and we followed her. We were expecting the nun to come and occupy the seat in the office when she sat there. Okay. So she is the nun. Why is she in a printed saree?

‘Sister, we need a room….’said dad.

‘Yes. We have rooms here. So?’

‘She is here for doing her summer internship…at MG road. This is the closest hostel….’

‘Do you have single rooms?’ I interrupted the tense conversation.

‘No.’ came the angry reply.

Back to dad. You take care of this one!

‘When do you want to move in?’

“Tomorrow?’ in a soft pleading voice, my dad asked.

‘3800 for the room. It’s a double room, but no one else is there. So she’ll be alone.’

Yay!

‘Does it have a plug point?’ I had to know that.

‘Yes’

‘Can I see the room please?’

‘Yeah, when u come tomorrow’

Um…I need to see the place I’d stay for the next six weeks, lady!

‘But sister, could we see the room now?’ asked mom meekly

‘You people treat your kids like some treasure of sorts. It’s just of one and a half months right? You can see the room tomorrow when you move in.’

With a chorus of ‘please sister’ she got up from the chair. And we wondered if it was for showing us out or showing the room.

‘Aren’t you coming?’ she snarled at me as she walked into the hostel corridor. My mom and I stepped forward.

‘Only the girl can come. No mother and all.’

Okay. Was she going to shout at me alone inside?

We walked into a narrow corridor which was completely dark. Not a bit of sunlight from anywhere.

She opened the door to a big closet, sorry, small room. Two beds, tables, cupboards all crammed into a small place that there’s no place to move around. And no windows. I sincerely hoped that the tube light worked or my eyesight would diminish considerably in these six weeks.

She had said it would be bath attached but I couldn’t find any in this box.

‘It’s not bath attached, ‘she said with an evil grin. It's over there. ‘4 cubicles in the end of the corridor.

Oh, and another for right next to them.

‘So eight loos, right?’

‘Do you require more than one?’

No comments.

Well, that was the end of the tour.

And I was in a dilemma.

Hostel #1, seemingly nice sister. #2, the lady think s i’m the little girl who threw a stone ay her 10 years back on whom she’d love to take her revenge.

Hostel one, rules and more rules. Hostel 2, no big rules

Well, after weighing them over and over again, I chose Marian Ville. That’s right, the one with the wicked witch of the west.

But I have the big closet for myself. I pray every day that no one else would come in to join. There are TWO plug points for me to use. I can come in by 8:30.

Life is not so bad. The nun only bothers you if you chanced to meet her. Which happened the next morning when I came out to put my washed clothes on the lines. There were two big washing stones for us girls outside, which I didn’t dream of using. I’d managed it in my lazy way with wheel and water.

‘Where you washing?’ came an angry shout (Where did you wash was what she intended to say). Yep. It was sister…gosh! I don’t even know her name. And I don’t think I want to.

‘That sister…in the loo, with my bucket n stuff….’

She gave an angry glare, but I gave a sweet smile and rushed putting all the clothes and left.

I might have got into trouble with her for another thing a few days later- there was a ritual to be followed in the hostel- you had to sign your attendance every night after dinner. I used to gladly go to eat dinner (and come back sadly hoping there’s more of those bourbon biscuits in my room) but had never signed for some 3-4 days.

But thankfully, I that night it was an old sister who was taking attendance that night. She was nothing like the grumpy one. She smiled sweetly and marked me present even for a couple of days before I joined there.

Anyways, life there is pretty cool. My own big closet, messy, like my room. My hard disk with my kind of movies- and that hard disk helped me make friends coz I discovered that there are more ppl like me who love Disney and fairy tale like movies. Unlike my hostel stays before, I’m having a lot of fun- glad to have fellow mallus Deepa and Lakshmi as the occupants of the closet next to mine.

Well….I’m having a nice cozy time in my new cribJ