Growing up

I am growing up. I never thought that would happen anytime soon but i think i am.May be not in every aspect,may be most people who sort of know me won't concur with me on this. But it's true.

Take the case of Love for example.

Till recently it was something I could easily fall into. Who has not had a crush or a teenage love? The excitement, the passionate feelings, the little secret moments...you just believe that while you are in love with your special person everything is okay. The universe is doing it's job perfectly. Nothing could ever go wrong.

At 16, love can blossom with a few poetic word, long gazes into the eyes , a few blood drops....It's simply hard not to fall in love.

My sweet 16 was years back but I had hardly grown up from that mental state.But now I know things are not always that easy. There's no real black or white in this thing. May be you say you love someone but you actually don't. Or you say you hate someone and adore that person. Maybe you love two people at a time. Maybe you are with one person and think of the other. Maybe you've broken up ,but you really can't stop thinking about that person.May be it's all just lust. May be there's is no such thing as love?

No clue.One thing i know. If two people can love each other easily and passionately if they are not in the '16', It sure is magical. By then you would have become selfish, loving yourself more than anything els eon the planet. If you can still love another human being so selflessly, so easily,Love sure is a magic.

Now, that's a different kind of "magic' I associate with Love now.The earlier magical love implied things like 'true love' s first kiss' which could turn lead to gold.

I have grown up, haven't I?

What i want

Please don't go.............

:( :)

a group of friends

class time fun

teases and laughs

'intersting pen'

friendship pacts

signed and torn

comes a new year

comes new surprises

silence and no chatter

a quest to know why

a piece of paper

alphanumerals scattered

'it's not from,me,but him'

says the messesnger

alone inside my room

upon my study table

time,time again

i try to make sense

one new method tried

and it all fell to places

'***** ***** ******'

a lump inside my throat

butterflies inside my tummy

what do i do now?

what shall i say now?

pretended i didnt know

pretended i didnt care

until that fateful day

my friends tried to say

then i had to say

that i knew it too

but right now i dont want

all this silly stuff

let us both be friends

let us both grow up

let us stand on our own legs

and let us then decide

it took a lot of coaxing

to get him to talk to me

but then with time

the best of help

we grew to be good friends

and then to best of friends

and then,my best(est) friend

inaugerating pens

letters in old notebooks

words written in blood

poems and quotations.

walks to tuition class

waits till i go back

drenched in the rain

feelings unspoken

fights in between

always solved by friends

trys to move apart

but always comes together

when new people came

when new loves blossomed

the old 'friendship' couldnt resist

to see it silently

denied being jealous,

but jealousy was all

untill i had to go and say

i felt the same too.

but time cahnges people

time changes things

my bird was not the same

i'll never get the same

together the journey went on

with rough moments now and then

passions grew stronger

they expressed

egos too, may be

and they too.

the next separation was

for me the worst by far.

no one can get it

not even him

and so the distance's far

tried to be close still

but somehow didnt work

had to part our ways

a year of solid silence

talks are now not real

and when real ,not right

lives have twisted,tangled

lets not get them mangled

memories just come

when we least expect

a song,a sight,a note

is all that it takes

Penning down thoughts

'Get a life' said my friend as he hung up the phone.

Life?Would you mind telling me where you are taking me?

Around this time,four years back,and all through out the three darkest,lowest years of my life,i was sad. but i had a wish,a dream a hope. Though i lost manythings,many people and that someone special, i still had something that kept me strong,something that made me work hard and 'achieve my dream'.

It involved me. Just me. I didn't need anybody else. Lej is right-'don't trust anybody'.I was glad that i was going away. I was going farther and probably higher than most of my friends. And as i was going,i found someone else.

Did i want all of that again? Well, i had thought i didn't but it looks like i did. Yes.I wanted love.

Now i'm here,right where i wanted,doing what i wanted, but am i making the most of it? May be dad's right. I'm just looking for excuses not to do things. While in hell i said i wouldnt send anything i write to get published coz i didnt want that place's name 2 be attached to me in anyway. Now i'm here and i don't have TIME?

What do i think of the most part of my day? What do i wish for and hope for these days? Why am i not doing all those things i should be doing?

Everyday i go for my walk .I feel the breeze kissing my face,caressing my hair.Everything around me looks green,yellow,brown,orange,pink and red.All vibrant and looking at me lovingly. Ilook up at the sky and get amazed each day by the colours, patterns and the majesty. I hear the music i like and i feel good. And i get pregnant with ideas and thoughts and an urge to get them all out in paper,in words,in a cam, in colours...

But they never see the world. It's like i'm too weak to let them out.

Ranting in here helps.Coz i know that this is just my digital diary and not a blog.And writing here helps.

I'm not writing in my old diaries which i had to burn. I'm not writing in those later versions with the locks. I'm not writing in that one last one where i wrote with inkless pen on a 'used' sheet again and again and again. This is my space, for me. Just me.

Now

I wanted to write about love today. I don't know wat everyone else thinks about it. For me it is a special feeling,way about everything else. I wanted to write about how happy it makes you,to make someone else happy, how special it feels , to know that there is someone who cares a lot about you,and you feel the same about that person,how good you'd feel to have someone to whom you can talk any crazy thing that comes into your mind coz that person loves you for what you are...about how it can make you do things you'll never even dream of doing.

It is a funny feeling.It can make you change the way you do things, your liking for certain things...But right now what i can write is ,it hurts. It hurts when you just want to scream to the world about how happy you are about your love and its not a mutual feeling. It hurts when you want to tell him how happy the last time 2gether was when he does not say a word. It hurts when you just look at the chatbox and the phone to blink,but it doesnt.

It's a sad,scary,loneley feeling then.

Miaw

'Miaw....Meeeeeeeeeeyaw....'

The poor little kitty is lost, wandering in the girls' hostel searching for its mom and siblings.And i know realize that i love cats more than dogs.I love animals. And birds.Mostly anything that does not have eight legs. And i have a cat and a dog back home.I always thought i loved them the same but ,no.The furry 'purr' ball is my favorite.

I've had cats,kittens as far as i can remember. There was an old 'kadan' whon we called just that.Then came Bubbloo with his total milky white hair and blue eyes.Sundari was my lil baby.If my brother hadn't whacked on her head with that stick, she'd have stayed on for longer...I so hated him then. Katmandu and Tinker Bells came together. They were siblings. So Katmandu was my stupid brother's and Tinku was mine. Katmandu's original name was Kadamani. Katmandu was just a western sounding nick name. He was such a biiiiig cat. Cute. But not pretty as my lean Tinku.

Tinku and i used to have such a nice time together. Back then, I had this craze of growing a watermelon garden in a couple of little pots.Yes, the seeds would sprout,a little sapling would grow,the brown tip with the seed would go and it'll be green, it'll open up, tiny leaves would come,and thats it. End of another generation of saplings. But i'd 'sow' more.

Tinku used to be my companion when i tended to my 'watermelon farm'.She would come with me, lie down in the sunny patches, and scrath stuff. A funny thing about Tinku was that she licked me! She wasn't a dog! And i could really play with her. I'd prop her up the ledge near our well and poke on her paw. And she'd try to poke me back on my hand. And no, she never took those claws out while we played.

My stupid neighbours kept poisoned meat to kill the dogs which were eating their chicken but Tinku ate it. And she was gone.

Next was Binku. Binker Tells. His tail was as thin as a rat's. Usually , all our cats traditionally have thick, fluffy tails. His tail was thin and it was as if he had a joint in the tail. He could make it appear broken. He cared for that old female cat a lot....she used to come around our house, poor lone thing and our Binku would keep her company. Played with her, didnt mind her skin disease....the poor old cat was devoted to him i guess. It was sad to see her come and mew for him after he was gone.

Now we have Chinku. He was the only one who dared to come outside the paper bundles in my dad's shed .And for that, he is alive. well, not just alive.He eats 2 fish in the morning. Even if we get no fish 2 eat, he gets it every day. And after the fish he needs a big bowl of milk. After filling his big tummy with the fish(he leaves the bones and d head. Such a cultured cat...),he goes to the woodden swing in the living room. And sleeps on it.

He was having a royal life here when he started having this interest in the female cats in the vicinity. The number of kittens here started increasing.And so did his fights with the other tom cats. Now everyday he comes home with a new scar or without a patch of fur on his skin. Idiot.He likes to go for walks for a few days. But he'll be back right in time for food.

He has a new friend to play with now. Minju. Rukmini chechi calls her( we just found out she was a he but i'll call her minju.) Manikutty.She's a cute little thing. Always playful, always moving about. She's grown longer than the last time i saw her.My little minju.

Now as i hear the mews of the kitten in the hostel i miss her. I miss stroking my cats on their forehead. Sneaking them on to the bed.Seeing them sleep so innocently on me keeping the 'purr' motor on....And i now know that i love cats better.

An apology

I wore a mask while i was with you

I was rude, selfish, in my shell.

I never let you near 'real' me.

I dampened your joyful spirits.

I pretended your inexistance.

I made up stories,miserable.

Never a word about your love

that put smiles even in Hell.

Lonliness was a choice- mine.

And i blamed it on all but me.

I was there,in your midst

just to put you guys off.

An apology here makes no change,

i know but still i say:

'I'm sorry for all that i did

and more for all i didn't'

I Need It...

My teeth are stained reddish violet.I long to suck more of that liquid.I can't stop myself.I need more.I dip the icy chunk again and again into the dark liquid and suck it hard.And within a few minutes, that Kalakhatta is also over.

'Can i borrow twenty bucks, plz?' i ask any familiar face around coz i've finished all the money on me already. Now for my favorite- Panipuri.

There are a few sacks full of the puris in the stall and near it are the vessels filled with the tastiest, tangiest liquids ever concocted. And a bit of the aloo and whatever it is mix.

I get my paper bowl.

'Teeka or medium?'

'Medium'

A hole is cracked on my first puri, in it goes to the sweet and sour tamarind water which is thick and gooey, and now it takes a dip into the less viscous green hot thingy and he holds it out to me.

As i put it in my mouth there is a burst of various tastes tingling my tastebuds. There are crisp bits of the puri and a mouthfull of tasty water and before i can savor the taste of each part of it separately,i am handed out the next one. And the next...And so it goes. It doesnt even take two minutes for my twenty bucks to depart from me in this process. But thats just one amongst all the other 20 Rs notes that have gone away from me. Including the one today.

I crave for it these days. Usually my cravings are for chicken in any form, so long as it is dead and not bloody. But this little round goblet of exploding tastes have won my heart over now.There are no city trips for me now,which does not include a plate(or two or three or more) of panipuri. May be i'm full with a pizza from Pizza hut, a happy meal from Mc Donalds, a nice dosa from Vaishali, paneer and romali roti from good luck or a sub from subway....i need my panipuri.

This post ends here with my stating again that i love panipuri. A lot.

An incomplete rant

me: i'm gonna fly bac home!!!!

me:all by myself!

me:can u imagine dat?

Hrishikesh: you are 21. act your age. it is not a big deal.

me: kuntham!

Well, in my first post in this blog i had mentioned about the great adventure of going to write SNAP.And now,this is me flying to Cochin. Changing planes midway.Hmmm...if i had written it a bit earlier, i would've explained all my excitement in detail, but now,i guess its not a big deal after all...God, am i growing up???

It was scary, hoping that the old bus driver would take me to SB road before my plane actually left for Mumbai. I recall irritating everyone in the vicinity by chanting 'please go fast, please go fast' until we reached SB road.

At Cochin, my dear darling brother greeted me with'She's sooooo dark!!!'. I never expected a hug, or 'i missed you' or anything dramatic. A simple 'Hello' would have sufficed too. But then he's the pest.

When i was going to Symbi, i had declared that i would not be returning until after 2 yrs, that i don't even want to come back, every thing is better in pune, i just want to get out of Trichur, etc etc etc.But i have learnt a lot of new things now.

There's no place like home. Okay, i've hated three yrs here really badly,but still, ...i never thought i'd actually be writing this or even accepting this ever-I love staying in my house. Just lying on MY bed in MY room reading MY books(of which i'm really possessive) seems to be the best thing to do. And stroking my fat cat Binku on the woodden swing indoor,on which he likes to sleep on,eating my mom's hot chocolate cake right out of the oven...

HATE HOSPITALS

Today was supposed to be another lazy day, waking up at 9, hanging out with friends...Going to the zoo n palace with Jo, Suraj n Arun, to be precise. But some 1200 coconuts stopped suraj from joining us, so that stopped Ka, so that would mean only two of us, so postponed. My dad took this opportunity to take me to the doc before leaving to Pune.

I had checked my blood group only a couple of months back and even that had taken 3 nurses at the polyclinic and my dad. I hate going to hospitals. What was wrong with me ? Nothing. But my mom wanted a doctor to say that before i left.

So dad and i were at the Trichur Heart hospital.

'I'll go and see if Victor is there. Collect the registration card'

Dad went to find that Doc.

'150 Ruppees. Get your BP checked before you go to the OP' said that lady at the counter.

Giving 150 Rs to her was fine. But getting my BP checked? Nope. I walked straight to the OP without casting a glance towards those blue uniformed nurses who sat to check the BP. But another from the blue tribe found me and sent me to check it. And my pulse, height and weight. Totally hated it.

Since my dad had to say some reason for bringing me to see the doc, he told about my 'blacking out's. When my doggie Scooby was being given gluose and shots at the veterinary hospital a few weeks back, i had felt giddy. I hate everything about hospitals right from the phenyl smell to the green sheets to the various equipments to the scary docs. Veterinary hospital had felt much better than the ones for humans, but still...........And there was another time when i wanted to sit down instead of standing up and singing with the choir early in d morning right after i got up, without eating anything, before the mass. But i was okay after i had sometime to lay down or sit down for a while.

'Did you have double vision when you had these black outs?'

'No'

'Did you feel sweaty, felt like puking or have a headache?'

'No'

'Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?'

'Can i go home?'

Laying down on that bed like thingy with green sheets on it was awkward. I have never been on a hospital bed since my mom and i came back home after she got me out of her tummy. That was like, um,almost twenty one years earlier. Doctors torture you. He scratched on the underside of my foot and hit my ankle with something and said that my reflexes were fine. And push my toe against his pushing it down. and lifting my legs without bending my knees(That was fine coz it was similar to the stretching excersises after badminton. And good thing i chose to wear that stupid blue jeans instead of the black skirt) And then more torture by pointing a torch into each of my eyes , asking me to stick my tongue out....Phew, i was glad to get up from there and get back on to the chair.

'Every thing seems fine. You must have felt giddy because of the uneasiness of being at a hospital and because you didnt have breakfast that morning'

Yup. Right. Off to home.

'But just to make sure, why don't we take a blood test and a scan?'

Dad? i didn't sign up for anything that gets a needle anywhere near me! Couldn't yell that out to him,but i guess he got that from my look.

'We'll get it done soon, dear'

'I don't want to.'

'Well, you needn't do the blood test. Go for the scan. Its just like taking a photograph.' the doctor intervened.

Okay. I had gone to the hospital scared of getting a shot. Now there were no needles involved, but i'm getting SCANNED?

'It's a modern hospital thingy,' joked dad. 'When you get in hospital, the exits are only through a lab, an x-ray room or a scanning room. Victor must've suggested it coz it was the shortest way out.'

Nice try.

No dad near by. He was off to pay the bill and i was lead to the scanning room by a white coat lady. A blue shirt guy sat inside that room. Scanning machine. First time i'm seeing one. even that had green sheets. Yuck. Uncomfortable time on it, with two straps making sure i'm in the right position( or may be to make sure i don't run off.) Felt Glad that only my head went inside that thingy. Wouldv'e felt worse if i was sucked in by the giant machine altogether. Good thing i'll be dead before they put me in a coffin. Wouldn't want it the other way round.

Found dad after the great scan. Mom called just then. And on hearing that i was 'SCANNED' guess she almost fainted. Did i just say fainted? May be we should bring her over tomorrow. And check her up. After all it was her idea to sent me to get a check up! Like my dad said to the doc, either make sure my daughter is fine physically or that my wife is fine mentally. She's too over concerned!

WATCHING THE POORAM FIREWORKS, MY WAY

Wanted to write this one a few days back. Most people say that if you are going to watch the Pooram fireworks you shouLd do it from the top of one of those buildings in the round. Telling them that i could do it from the top of my house just invites teases and 'Oh, you poor girl' stuff. Well, watching it from the top of my house has a lot of merits.

I woke up at 3 to watch it and had to wait for over an hour because it started late. What about those who had to climb up all those buildings? How long did you people have to wait, huh? I imagine there must have been some chairs for the 'close proximity' lovers to sit on. Well, i was lying down on the terrace, and i even had some pillows propped up. Those who climbed up the tall buildings would have taken up some snack with them(or not), but i don't think you would've been able to go down, microwave the stuff to get it nice and hot during the breaks between the fireworks like the banana fries i had. And that tin of Kellogs Honeyloops just because i wanted to have it then. Mosquitos awoke sometime around 5:30 and started their usual business, but i put them to sleep by kindling a mosquito repellant coil.

I really had a nice time watching the fireworks, with all the things i liked. They say you should hear the sound, feel the building vibrate when you watch the fireworks. But watching it the way i did was pretty cool too, though i'd like to try the closer view sometime.

ON GIFTS

I just found that there are three ways in which people give you gifts. May be their age affects the way they do it...

'Congrats, dear!'

'Thanks,mema'

'Buy anything you want with it, okay?'

'Wow! thanks!'

Reena mema, my mom's youngest sister gave me a crisp 1000 ruppee note.

'Congrats, dear!'

'Thanks, mema'

'You know what, i think you should get a nice new watch before you start your new college.'

'Oh. Right.'

'Maybe something like a fastrack'

'Fast what?'

'I'll give you 1000 ruppees for that. '

'Okay.'

Another 1000 ruppee, this one from my mother's younger sister, Meena. But this would have to be converted into a watch for me to actually own.

'Amma, why are there two jeans on the counter, i had taken only one?'

'Oh, that's for your brother.'

'um...he could wear jeans of my size untill he expanded around his middle. Are those for me?'

No reply.

'I don't like that gray.'

'What? I thought you liked it because you were looking at it a lot...and you don't have one of that shade... and i like that one...'

'You know, if you are getting something for me, please ask me if i want it, okay?'

But that's something she never does.

Getting money as gift is cool. You could do anything with it. You can convert it into anything you like. People who knows nothing about your likes and dislikes could find it easier. But sometimes it lacks a little something that it would have had, if it was a litlle gift in someother form than a piece of paper.

Some people care enough to know about the things you have / not, the things you ought to have/ or not etc etc etc. They don't want you to just spend your money on unnecessary things. It could get on your nerves too, coz, you might want something else at the moment.

Getting things for you without asking you if you want it or need it is reserved especially for a specific category of people called mothers. (Mostly. Maybe there are others too) They may not care that you have grown out of pink craze or the Barbie craze. They just get things because they like it, or 'I never had all this at your age' syndrome. And when you want something they just say that they've already got you everything you need, what more could you want.

Ah...it's all quite complex. Anyways, though i said i don't like that gray, it's pretty okay. Kuttis (Meena) mema's offer was duely converted into a black and red Fastrack. Reena mema's gift is saved for various crazy things i want to do.

'

"WELCOME TO OOTTY, NICE TO MEET YOU"

Another Ootty trip. The twenty third Ootty trip together by my parents. Guess i'd gone there every year of my life except one. Going to Ootty might mean enjoying the scenic beauty, going to all those tourist spots etc etc to most people. But for us, it revolves around a few hotels. Especially certain dishes. Just like there's a 'Way of the Cross' thingy , our Ootty trip has certain fixed stations.

1. THE CHAPEL NEXT TO THE CHURCH

The journey begins with a quickie prayer (Lord, let the food at Shinkows be as tasety as ever, Lord please change the cook at Lake View)

2. ARAM MOTEL, WALAYAR

This is the stop for breakfast( Appam and Egg curry. I eat mostly nothing here, but open a bag of Lay's)

3.SOME HOTEL WHICH CHANGES NAME EVERY YEAR, METTUPALAYAM

Mostly for loo purpose, but we also buy a bottle of coke

4. A LITTLE TEASTALL /PHONEBOOTH PLACE AFTER THE HAIRPIN BENDS, COONOOR

A call to Daddy and Mammy to tell we've reached this far. We've got three mobile phones in the car, but this is the tradition

5. AAVIN MILK BOOTH, OOTTY

We load the car with flavoured milk. For the past two years they have only three flavours- Stawberry, Pista and Cardomom. I miss chocolate.

6. HOTEL NAHAR

The first meal of the trip is always vegetarian. (stupid tradition. But Higgin Bothams is opposite to Nahar, so i'll get a couple of books, so it's fine.)

7. HOTEL LAKEVIEW

Home-Sweet-Home. This is where we stay for three days every year. (We get twenty percent discount coz its been over two decades that my parents started coming here) . Cottage number 6, 7, 8 or nine. Only in exceptional cases do we get cottages other than these. like this year- it was awkward going to cottage 26.

8. HOTEL SHINKOWS

We discovered this lovely little hotel at charring cross only a few years back...great chinese food. Especially the sweet and sour chicken, chicken in hot garlic sauce and chilly chicken. Everything else is good too. There used to be a big white doggie sleeping in front of it until a couple of years back.

9.CAFE' COFFEE DAY

This is a relatively new entrant to our otherwise 'usual' list. The price of every item goes up by twenty ruppees every year. Love Devil's own and Cafe' Frappe.

This years trip had a lot of unusual elements to it. Starting from the fact that we got Cottage number 26- that's not in the lowest level next to the playground... How sad! And our Car had some problem and we had a long walk to Shinkows. There was no trip to the boat house this time. But there was something else much better- a mountain bike ride thingy. Hero cycles has made a course using log bridges, platforms, slopes, stuff that sink beneath the ground when you ride over it etc etc etc. It was fun putting on the helmet, arm guard, knee guard and all that(dressing up like a warrior) and riding it out. My brother chickened out and didn't do this- so much for his 'male superiority' thingy. Go- karting was on this year.

Ootty happened so fast this year. I couldn't complete even one book that i had bought.(so i had to buy an archies coz i had to finish something!) Will miss reading by the fireplace,(with a bottle of flavoured milk, a bag of lay's and assorted chocolates near my hand's reach) which is one thing i really like in the annual ritual for two years i guess.